why the art of conversation is the answer we’ve been looking for
Is the art of conversation the most powerful tool in the leader’s toolbox? The solution hidden in plain sight that we overlook at our peril, until the time comes when we need to move on from a relationship or an organisation, or a team implodes, or the latest strategic initiative fails to achieve its potential?
Many organisational issues are compounded by the lack of quality conversation when it matters. So, the underlying currents within a team that are not addressed, the decisions made in spite of a strategy that, if followed, would show those decisions to be wrong, the challenge to a colleague that we save for another day, the poor performance that goes unheeded because of the difficult conversation it would entail, the outstanding performance that goes unheeded maybe because we’re too busy in the moment…and more.
Just imagine if, in each of these scenarios, we had the conversation that made a positive difference and improved the situation for all parties. We had the hard feedback, we constructively challenged a harmful decision, we praised where praise was due. The value of those conversations would far outstrip the waste – and often the long chain of compounded consequences – that not having those conversations generates. Not only that, but as individuals we would be confident that, in the words of Amy Cuddy, we have presented ourselves well and have no regrets.
Courage and care are the foundations
The art of conversation requires both courage and care, and sometimes we find these qualities hard to access. Courage requires vulnerability. As Brene Brown says in her TED talk “we can choose courage, or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.” To have a hard conversation is to experience discomfort, it makes us vulnerable. And it’s that ability to show vulnerability that makes us powerful leaders. She goes on to say that “you cannot be a courageous leader if you’re not vulnerable, if you’re not willing to have hard conversations, give difficult feedback, excavate issues no one wants to talk about.”
That is, of course, easier said than done. To be vulnerable, we need to believe in ourselves, to acknowledge our own imperfections, to know our values, strengths and weaknesses and act from a sense of authenticity. This knowledge and acceptance of ourselves gives us the courage to act, understanding that the conversation we are about to have is bigger than our own imperfections and sensibilities. That’s why care and courage are so intertwined – care for ourselves and others gives us the courage to act.
Radical Candour comes from courage and care
In Kim Scott’s book, Radical Candour, she talks about the need to both challenge and care in our conversations to improve personal and organisational performance. For me, the most powerful description of the need to have a courageous and caring conversation, is her definition of the three things we should avoid:
Obnoxious aggression: challenging or praising without care
Manipulative insincerity: when you don’t care about your employee, but you do care how they perceive you
Ruinous empathy: you care very much and don’t want to hurt someone, so you avoid the issue
Sometimes, we label our own avoidance as kindness. But kindness isn’t the same as caring. It takes courage to demonstrate true care for ourselves, others and our organisations, and if we can draw on both courage and care, we are in a powerful position to make and lead change.
Presence gives us courage
Courage may not come easily, but we can train ourselves to become more courageous. Amy Cuddy discusses in her book, Presence, how our presence leads to courage. She describes presence as knowing ourselves, as feeling good about the way we presented ourselves in a situation and engaged with it. She argues that we should push through our fears to become more present, describing how our physiology can help give us confidence to do this. You may have come across the so-called ‘Wonder woman’ pose, the idea that if you strike a powerful pose for two minutes, it gives you confidence before challenging situations. As Cuddy says, our bodies change our minds, our minds change behaviour, our behaviour changes outcomes. So, in other words, we can use our own body language to influence our thoughts and behaviours. Next time you need to have a challenging conversation, try taking a couple of minutes to stand tall, open yourself up and fill the space. It’s amazing what a difference it can make.
It starts with us
The art of conversation starts with ourselves. Having the care and the courage to challenge our own assumptions, to reframe our own stories and think about a different ending, to be comfortable in our discomfort, to care enough about ourselves and our role in a relationship, a team or an organisation to have the conversation that matters. As leaders we set the climate, which influences the organisational culture, so we have a responsibility to master the art of conversation for others to follow. Be that leader known and valued for their integrity, courage and calm confidence. Have the conversations that matter.
Let’s present ourselves well and have no regrets.